The Question

We all have differing views on car guards. Some people think that they perform a legitimate service, whilst others (puts up hand) view them as vultures of the road, which swoop in and snatch at your hard-earned money.

I once read that a study showed that car guards actually do prevent crime in areas in which they operate. Being the cynical type, I presume this has something to do with the radiance of extreme awkwardness they exude: in the same way that you feel incredibly awkward when you approach your car and try to ignore the car guard lingering next to you asking for money, so too criminals feel really awkward when they try to steal a car with a “guard” present.

Look, I’m biased – I hate the guys, but I see car guards as a bastardised form of begging – formalising the awkward cupped-hands-drop-coins scenario that plays itself out over the streets of South Africa on a daily basis. Car owners are forced to pay people money because they’re wearing yellow bibs and standing in the vicinity of their car.

From this, likeminded people have coined the colloquial meaning of the term to describe people who seem to serve little purpose. So for example, when asked about Benny Mcarthy’s pre-World Cup performances for South Africa, one might say ‘he was a bit of a car guard’, or perhaps, in reference to Jacob Zuma’s roll as a safe-sex ambassador, one might say, ‘what a car guard!’

The Plan

Simple: “steal” our own car and see who stops us (and secretly pray they don’t carry pepper spray).

For the test, we had my friend Ziyanda come in and pose as the car owner, whist I played the role of villainous vehicle thief. There was no way that anyone would mistake Ziyanda’s sepulchral innocence for my dishevelled, swarthy looks, and thus she made for an ideal theft victim.

The Test

You’ll see from the video we only showed you a portion of the footage – honestly, we wouldn’t make you sit through us stealing our own car 8 times over, so we’ve given you a snapshot – hope you enjoy it.

On our first attempt, the informal car guard did notice that I was stealing the car, but simply made a comment mentioning something about a ‘lady’ having driven the car into the spot. He also mentioned he had yet to be remunerated for his services.

Our next attempt was no better, with the car guard actually showing me out and cupping his hands for money, despite me having put on my best criminal face and wearing a ‘dodgy’ hoody to look the part. The status quo remained for the next four attempts, with very little happening each time I ‘stole’ a car and each of our “guards” waiting with open hands for their share of my monthly coin allowance.

The “formal” car guards were the worst, as they operated not on a ‘we’ll look after your car, please pay us’ outlook, but rather on a ‘you have to pay us, so just do it’ sort of vibe. I think it is important to mention that we should draw a line to distinguish between car guards and “human parking meters”, because in the CBD’s of many major South African cities you get both.

Just so you know, the official looking dudes with orange bibs and matching “park-o-meter” handheld devices are not there to look after your car, they’re there to make sure you pay your share for renting out their space. In my experience, I would count on those guys taking a keen interest in anything other than the length of time your car has been in the bay. It’s not in their remit (or legal obligations) to look after your car, so don’t think you can skimp on the car insurance just because the skinny, native OROS man has his beady eye on your Polo.

Terminology and role definitions aside, the official guards were unfriendly, unhelpful, and blissfully unaware of the drivers of the vehicles – seemingly caught up on concentrating on the time on the relevant meter and the cash in their pouches. On one of our final attempts the car guard, who had up until being confronted acted as if he were the smoothest and most disinterested cat in the world, waived down a cop car which was passing by.

At this point a VERY angry looking man in a bullet-proof vest and carrying serious ammunition got out of the vehicle to question Ziyanda, and I had to run and hide in a nearby canal. Fun times.  One also has to ask, is waiving down a passing police van really a payable service? Wouldn’t the victim of the theft, or even a bystander, have done the same?

On our last attempt, desperate for at least a murmur from our hapless and rather catatonic test subjects we swapped rolls, with Ziyanda playing the role of thief. In this case the car guard was not even aware that the car had gone missing until I confronted him, and even then he still had the temerity to ask for more money from me, as I had only paid for half an hour and Ziyanda had stolen it after 45mins.

The Verdict

Granted, there were a number of things we could have done to get the situation closer to a real life scenario and admittedly breaking the driver’s window every time we “stole” the car would have been slightly more realistic than pulling the spare out from our sleeves, but we would have racked up a pretty large PG Autoglass bill and a possibly a Hawks escort around town. What’s more, my head was still aching from the wrestling incident and I wasn’t very keen for a burst of pepper spray or a baton to the temple.  Were it not for the complications of night filming, we would have had a crack during the night, but since most of you are only here to watch the video we though it better to get some footage you could investigate fully.

From our investigations, car guards do very little. While the informal guys are a bit more awake, the formal car guards with the pay machines are little more that rude metre maids who do not care for your car at all. I may not have changed my tune on the bastardised begging angle, but I did think about a few other things while stealing my own car a number of times: Would I put myself in harm’s way for a R2 tip? Would I make a concerted effort to stop an armed thief from driving home in a car whose owner I had only just met? No, there’s no chance, so why should we expect others to do the same for us? Invest in a gear lock and insure your car – nobody’s really watching it that closely.